did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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