At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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