my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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