eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
