mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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