last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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