every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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