He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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