Can i not drive my cunt home
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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