No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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