trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
