zippers are such a cool invention
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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