We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
