you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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