My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
