Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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