the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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