I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
