last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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