Need sex. Gaining weight.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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