Sry I called you an 8
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
