dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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