I skipped work to stalk him.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
