420 ftw
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
