I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
