This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
