Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
