ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
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Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
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Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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