Your face is a jimmy john
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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