come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Randomize
