Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
