I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
