Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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