In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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