when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
