My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
