He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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