He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
