Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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