Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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