So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
