i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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