she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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