yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I see more hoeing in ur future
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
