I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
