I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
