I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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