Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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