Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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