he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
