oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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