I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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