dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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