Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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