A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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